How Getting Sober Firmly Solidified My Atheism (Part 1)
For me, it’s been about 7.5 years. There are several factors that I credit to getting sober, and staying sober. God is not one of them.
(In this story, sobriety specifically refers to the quitting of alcohol consumption)
What made me decide that I was, definitively, an atheist?
I got sober.
Which is likely to be the exact opposite of what one might say that struggled with alcohol, before figuring out exactly how to give it up for good.
But also, like many former substance abusers say… I can’t even comprehend how the fuck I’m still here. How am I still alive?
Getting sober was a big deal for me. It was a long, agonizing feat, particularly because my denial with the problem wasn’t quite the same kind of relatable struggle as others who endure the same conflict.
For years, my “attempts” to actually get sober were all disingenuous. I didn’t really care about it because I was already going through an emotionally devastating era in my mid to late twenties; defeated by a traumatic life event that for a while, didn’t seem worth recovering from.
Throw on top of that, an — at that time — undiagnosed Bipolar I disorder, spawning a manic episode that may, or may not have been triggered by long-term alcohol abuse.
For me, it took a life threatening case of alcoholic hallucinosis (due to my habit of binge drinking whiskey) that lasted over 4 straight days in the summer of 2016. The experience was so personally horrifying, that I wrote a whole feature film screenplay — a pure horror movie — loosely inspired by it, that’s now in-talks of becoming a major motion picture.
Not to mention, that same 4-day long episode of alcoholic hallucinosis also got me to quit drinking cold turkey.
To be clear, this article isn’t just going to be an excuse for me to shit on Alcoholics Anonymous, along with the insertion of organized religion into a mainstream substance abuse and recovery program that should really only be managed with, and managed by, licensed psychologists and medical professionals who actually uphold the ethics necessary to treat each substance abuser, or addict, as their own individual person, and from a place of science… but obviously, that isn’t necessarily the way it is, especially in rural America/red states, which is where I’ve spent nearly all of my 37 years living. Hence, why I’m still going to be shitting on Alcoholics Anonymous, and organized religion.
AA was co-created by a man named Bill Wilson (aka Bill W.), and it couldn’t be more ironic, that I think I would’ve gotten along just fine with ol’ Bill on surface level because by the 1950s, this guy happened to be quite fond of experimenting with psychedelic hallucinogens, namely LSD. And he was open about the potential benefits that psychedelics had on his depression, and the positives that they had on enhancing his spirituality.
However, by that era, AA was not too enthusiastic about Bill W’s advocacy with hallucinogenic drugs.
AA has almost always had their one drug of choice; with no room for experimentation. But more on that later.
I am also not saying that alcohol abusers that are struggling to get sober should necessarily subject themselves to a good form of life-threatening excess conditioning, like I did — just to Clockwork Orange themselves into genuinely never feeling the urge to drink heavily ever again… nor am I saying that they should find a 4-day period that they can block out of their busy lives of getting fucked up everyday, so that they can give an episode of alcoholic hallucinosis a whirl(?)… but then again, I have heard of far dumber, far more torturous, and much more destructive ways long-term, to try and overcome alcohol abuse…
Alcoholics Anonymous, And The Big Book Of The 12 Steps’ Solution To Overcoming Alcohol Is — Simply To Fucking Obsess Over It For The Rest Of Your Life, Of Course.
Let me respectfully do you a favor by not sugar-coating how I really feel.
And no, I’m not going to break down all 12 Steps individually because then we’ll be here all day.
Conveniently enough, here are the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, straight from the sober horse’s mouth, and from its own website:
What a fucking joke.
You know what the difference is between me, and people who are AA sober…?
I don’t publicly pat myself on the back everyday for not drinking alcohol anymore.
Not only that, but I almost never even think about the fact that I don’t drink alcohol anymore, with the exception of this dumb article that I’m writing.
If there is one nice thing that I can say about AA, it’s that on their website, they have the decency to summarize, and compress each of their bullshit steps into just one sentence apiece, and — fit it all neatly onto one sheet of paper. That, was awfully kind of them. And even better, it saves you from having to waste your time pretending to actually read the damn book, that’s for sure.
But seriously, that’s it. Those are the 12 Steps right there. Sure is culty, ain’t it…?
…I mean, in a nutshell, it does seem like these steps have a lot less to do with how to responsibly maintain your sanity while giving up something you love, and a lot more to do with how to go about sucking up to the big man upstairs.
Shit, no wonder so many people relapse.
Could you blame them?
Not every single step is worth pulverizing into oblivion though — number 8 summarized, for example, is commendable. And the idea of getting people comfortable with admitting they’re wrong (when they actually ARE wrong), is fine. Some steps do mean well, when they stand alone, at least.
But if that summary doesn’t already get the point across, then you are more than welcome to read the extended versions of all of these “steps” in what is referred to as “The Big Book.”
The general fish pond of recovering alcoholics in AA are without a doubt, some of the most annoying people that I have ever had to suffer in a room through. Even early on, I figured to myself, if being sober means looking at the world like these people do, then I would rather be drunk.
And I still stand by that.
Every once in a while, there are a few people you could meet at an AA meeting that would seem wise, calm, collected, reserved; and also — too smart to be there… but I’ve mostly retained the feelings of sadness, desperation, and resentment that linger during just about every session attended. Which seems fair. I mean, recovering alcoholics ARE there because they have a problem, and it’s a good thing that said problem is being addressed. I’m not discrediting them.
Their hearts are (barely) in the right place (sorta).
Collectively, this is why I have a very particular form of distain aimed at AA and The 12 Steps. I really do despise AA, and everything they stand for, as an organization.
AA has no hesitations about leading you on a hopeless journey. Sure, they can potentially get you to stop drinking for a while, but not without getting you nice and brainwashed first. You will be convinced that you are weak and powerless to alcohol, and that you cannot successfully stay sober without their archaic step program and their little bullshit friend (aka sponsor) system; where you get to have a fellow sober buddy that can keep tabs on you; but on the bright side, you both get to be miserable together. So there’s that.
And look, I’m not saying that the people of AA are bad people. They’re not, but what I am saying is this… they are the wrong people to look to for guidance, long-term; this weird, bitter, congregation of misfits, if you truly are serious about getting sober. Because they’re forever recovering too, and just because you can relate to each other, doesn’t necessarily translate to actual RECOVERY — especially if it’s with a group of people that can’t stop fucking talking about their addictions; exactly how the fuck are you going to recover from something long-term, that you simply refuse to move on from? It’s like constantly picking at a scab on a wound that’s trying to heal; and being a recovering alcoholic starts to become a large part of your identity.
I went to different AA groups, and all in different towns. Some with as few as only a half dozen people, and others as large as a couple of hundred people. In the end, it was all pointless.
It didn’t take too long (only a matter of weeks) for me to realize what they are, and why they’re here.
AA, co-aligned with private rehab facilities, together create a sophisticated form of indirect worship. Not just of God, but of alcohol itself. Which is odd; that by putting alcohol on this magical pedestal, you can have your very own substance-based boogeyman; your own personal Thanos, always coming in, trying to control, and wreak havoc on all of the important things in your orbit for the rest of your life… just so you don’t have to take any real responsibility for your actions, and so that you can then proceed to blame your own personal substance-based boogeyman, anytime that you get too drunk, pass out, and miss your daughter’s dance recital for the twenty-third time.
You can villainize alcohol all you want; it doesn’t care. That’s the boring reality of it.
Alcohol is not some entity with a personality, and a mind of its own. At the end of the day, it’s just a substance; a substance that addicts, and substance abusers have been brainwashed into believing is something much more powerful. Might as well literally blame all of your bad decisions on the devil. Because you know, that’s the adult way to rationalize your mistakes.
From my own personal experience, the 12 Steps is a crock of shit, with an obvious ulterior motive. It is so boring, and so inefficient, that even if you do believe that it will get you sober for the rest of your life, it still won’t compensate for the fine-tuning everyone else in your personal life will have to be required to manage, all because of you. Just because you can’t get your drinking under control.
Getting sober should not be a lifelong battle for the sake of making it a lifelong battle.
Any all-knowing source that ever tells you that there is no other way to get sober, except with their way… feel free to tune it out. Because once you separate the subtext from its alternate agenda, AA doesn’t really know what the fuck it’s talking about.
Why must you resort to acknowledging a higher power in order to stop drinking alcohol? Does it really matter?
I don’t see why it does.
At the introductory to AA, you’re basically allowed to use anything — whether it be an inanimate object, or a spiritual one — as a prop for your “higher power,” if you’re not openly comfortable giving your life, and will over to God.
In other words, come up with some kind of imaginable, fake deity, before switching over and giving in to their imaginable, fake deity.
Oh, hey — you know what would really be impressive? If AA had a definitive side program.
Think of it like counter-programming to the 12 Steps — that wastes absolutely no time, or energy on higher powers.
What if this side program that was in place, strictly worked with helping those recovering alcoholics that wish to continue to enjoy their impulsive pastimes — er, excuse me — “addictions,” learn discipline, and self-control… woah.
Now, THAT would be something worth considering. THAT — would be a program with the sincere understanding that we only live once, so why not live doing what we enjoy doing, as long as it isn’t hurting anybody else… I mean, it would be a challenge, sure. But that would be the beauty of it.
It would be problem solving for a new era of people, and their vices, and — how about this: The 12 Steps To Intellectually Dominating Your Own Addiction…it would help you learn that you don’t need alcohol, but it would also help you learn that it is okay to have some every now and again, so as to remain grounded in reality with everyone else around you that publicly likes to drink. It CAN be done. It is not impossible.
Imagine if there was some crazy way for you to realize that you are stronger than those sad clowns over at regular AA are leading you to believe… because it has already been proven that there are no actual benefits — physically, or psychologically — to drinking alcohol, and that you really don’t need to drink it, ever. Period.
It’s really a shame that society hasn’t developed a more effective, and transparent alcohol recovery system that is actually science-based, and most importantly, accessible to everyone. And the 12 Steps are not based in science, they are based in faith — and that, to me, is arguably the biggest reason why the program doesn’t work. For anyone. Yeah, I said it.
I’ll very briefly explain why I don’t believe The 12 Steps actually works for anyone...
In order to successfully overcome, or recover from a vice, or addiction, or repugnant habit… it would have to mean that it no longer controls your life; this seems to be something that we can all agree on. But where AA brings in the faith-based rhetoric, and higher power nonsense… my opposition, is to suggest none of those things.
Staying sober by staying away from alcohol, is not the same thing as genuinely not wanting a drink. That’s the difference.
So instead, I would suggest this: we have one person, and one substance.
The substance is incapable of reason because it is not conscious; it is not sentient. The substance has no power without another person, and wanting it is quite purely, and clearly, psychological — in other words, it’s all in your head… to believe that this substance, simply cannot co-exist in the same universe as someone who may, or may not consume it.
The point I’m arguing in favor of is — if people are allowed to recover from a headspace that gives them full power, and full control—but with their egos in check, of course — of their actions, and their mistakes, it could set them on the correct path to discovering that they do not need that substance — nor do they need a higher power — because they are, in fact, above it.
They do not teach you that in AA.
It doesn’t matter if you go the rest of your life without another drop of alcohol. If for the rest of your life, it means that you are suffering internally, every single time that you go to a restaurant, a party, a wedding reception, a fucking box social(?)— any special occasion where alcohol being served is inescapable… and you still desperately, and genuinely, want a drink… and whether you have that drink or not… it has still defeated you.
It doesn’t matter if you’re at the mercy of alcohol, or at the mercy of a higher power, the bottom line is, you’re still a bitch. That was my takeaway from attending AA.
Back in reality, nobody cares if you want to get sober. Especially, other people that drink. People are going to continue to drink. They’re going to continue to drink right in front of you, and there’s nothing you can do about it, except get up and leave, I guess.
It’s every individual’s choice to drink, no matter what their self-control is, or is not, and you have to respect that. I repeat, You HAVE to respect that.
And so what if AA has gotten your best friend to quit drinking for a few weeks. I mean, that’s great and all, except now — your best friend has transformed into some annoying, self-righteous douchebag that you can’t stand being around anymore. Because he won’t shut the fuck up about god, and how he’s gone 17 whole days (sorry, scratch that) now, 18 WHOLE DAYS without drinking until he passes out. It’s solving one social inadequacy, while creating another. Pick your poison.
So in order for The 12 Steps to fail people in colossal numbers, it must first be referred to alcoholics and substance abusers from somewhere, in colossal numbers, and — as the sole option for recovery…
Spoiler alert: it’s not at church.
[continued in Part 2; coming soon]
